Playing the ultimate game

Now for all of you who have been out of the game for a while, or for those of you who have yet to find a proper way of entering the game, i am writing this blog for you-and for your future posterity, that they may carry on the tradition, and find themselves "fit" in Darwin's terms, worthy of a partner to ensure reproduction of the human species.

This ultimate game that i speak of is that of attracting a mate. or to put it in society's terms: Dating. Yes indeed, dating is the ultimate game, a true test of skill, whit, and instinct. Finding myself in the middle of this grueling game, i feel that i am more than an authority on the subject of 'How to play the game', i am THE authority. and it is with this self manifested right that i expound upon the concept of "The Game."

The object of the game is to catch a mate, or to trick one into thinking that what they want in a mate is you, and that they have chosen you of their own free will. Perhaps the most important objective is to get them (your chosen mate) to believe that they have caught you, that you are their big bass to take home and mount above the old fireplace, and not to allow them to feel that they have been caught. in an ideal situation you would succeed at playing the game if both contesters (you and your chosen mate) walk away thinking that he has caught her, and that she has caught him. but this business of catching is merely a portion of the game.

Step one: you must chose a mate, or select several candidates that have the potential to be your mate. These candidates, whom you select, must fulfill your own personal requirements. If you are wondering right now: "what requirements have i set forth for my future mate" then you might want to pay attention to the song "A girl worth Fighting for" the next time you find yourself watching Mulan, for some helpful suggestions.

Step two: this could be considered the most difficult step of all-it is the step of action, the step of awkwardly moving into action. Step two is making contact. You must let your chosen mate know that you exist, and that you are interested in them- interested to a certain point. This can be tricky, but don't let yourself forget that you have several possibilities, and this is only step two of a long and lengthy process that will only end in heart ache, or heart burn (the heart burn stemming from the spicy burritos from the bachelor party that will be thrown in your honor if you catch your mate). The objective is to let them know you exist, and that you are interested (for now), this can be done by asking them if you can carry their books, opening the door, asking for their number, or winking at them as you jump off the high-dive.

Step three: once you have successfully completed step two, you must pay close attention to weather or not your potential mate responds positively to your actions or negatively. for example, did she give you her number (and not a fake one), did she smile when you opened the door AND give you eye contact (not just a cold stare, or not just an awkward smile), or did she look whole heartedly concerned about your safety as you made that dive and gave that wink? if she did respond positively, then move on to step four.

Step Four: This could be considered the most important step of all: the First Date. Now i have been doing first dates since before i was legal (by the strength of youth standards). The key is to make it magical, fun, and exciting-without coming off as "too much." Keep it short and sweet, so that when it comes to an end, she is left thinking: "i want more." I cannot tell you how each potential mate will express this thought, but i can tell you, that if you are attentive you will know when the "i want more" thought is racing through their mind.

now before i get into too many details, let me remind you that this is how to play the game, not to succeed. I am not a Hitch, nor do i pretend to help people find their sole-mates. I am in the game, and success is determined by one's intentions.

step five: Now, if true magic occurred during step four, then this is your time to pretend like you don't want that magic. this is your time to shine and to be a man; you don't need women to make you happy, no sir, you are independent, and not totally interested. This is a period of allowing them to make their move, like chess. You wait by the phone, but you don't use the phone to call them. It is very important to allow your future mate to think that unless they act, they will lose their catch- you. the resulting effect is usually a phone call, or an awkward wall posting. regardless of how the move is made, it is important that you wait until she is done "moving" before you make any progressive action toward your prey.

Step Six: this is a mixture of step three and four again. Let them know that you are still "mostly" interested, and plan a run-in, or a date. In the world of Halo it is important that you make contact with the enemy lines before you can capture the flag. this requires sacrifice, and diligence; but the reward of bringing back the flag in front of all your comrades who are still playing the game is triple the amount of any sacrifice invested.

Final Step: after you have repeated steps three, four, and five for a sufficient amount of time, it is now time for you to make a choice. A) keep playing the game, and get rid of your catch in hopes re-living the thrill of the hunt. or B) set the hook and rill her in by placing a rock on her finger. Now being a professional at the game i must admit that i have never taken the B route in the final step. If i had i wouldn't be able to share such vast amounts of knowledge with such ease. But i can tell you, that now that you have read through the purpose of the game, and the steps, you are fully prepared to jump out there, and help the human species carry on through your diligence in capturing a mate. The game is over once you have rilled in your selected mate.